One of the more exhausting things that I’ve been through in recent months — the most recent months — as I’ve been coming out of the abyss, as Dr. Kate says, is trying to piece back together friendships and relationships that were allowed to go fallow because I didn’t have the energy, or because I was stepping back to let those people work on their lives without having someone dragging them down in the state I was in.
The latter sounds really horrible when you put it like that, doesn’t it? But it’s really what it comes down to: you realize that you are a potentially huge weight to someone who’s working hard to get what they want out of life — finally getting that — and letting some slack in that distance between you. Then one day you turn around and find they’re like a balloon, so far out of reach that they’re up there in the sky, a tiny little speck of color, and you’re not even sure you have hold of the string at all.
And, of course, it isn’t as though people were standing still while I was putting my shit back together. They were doing their things, living their lives, achieving their goals, growing and changing. So now as I’m turning around and realizing that there’s distance there which wasn’t there a year and a half ago, that someone(s) I was dearly close to are people at the end of that proverbial string, the question is: are we even friends anymore? Is there a *there* to find?
It’s an incredibly painful realization, that the cost of what I’ve been through may be that I’ve been a shitty friend, both due to disconnectedness and to pain, and I have definitely, and may have lost more friends than I know as a result. That’s a price that I didn’t count on paying.